Thursday, October 15, 2009

That's The Way The Cookie...er, Mortar Crumbles!

So far we've seen how we build the wall of REALationship, using the brick of commitment and the mortar of trust supplied by both parties. We've seen that it needs to be built slowly to allow curing. We've seen that there is risk involved, that sometimes our investment proves not worth the time and effort we put in due to others misusing or taking advantage of our trust, at which point we stop investing in them and find someone who we can invest in.

Today we discuss what happens when trust is betrayed; when the mortar fails and crumbles.

The first victim of the failure in a relationship is trust. Commitment and love more easily survive a breakdown in relationship. Trust doesn't.

It shouldn't.

When our trust is betrayed in a relationship, what should we do? We should immediately forgive if we expect any hope for restoration. When we forgive we are not holding a grudge. In simple terms a grudge is allowing someone else to live in our minds and hearts rent-free. In a grudge, the person we harbor ill feelings toward usually has no clue that we think of them this way.

Need proof? Think to a time that you held a grudge against someone. I'm willing to bet that when you found out they weren't even thinking about it, you got even more angry. Why? We think it is because we cared and they didn't. Truth is, we know about the grudge and they don't. They are clueless because they have their own life and concerns taking up their time. They simply do not take time to think about us or our grudge. If we realized how infrequently we are thought of by others maybe we could let things go more freely.

So how do we go about rebuilding trust?

Getting back to our wall, we need to first remove the damaged mortar. This crumbling mortar is the feelings of anger, hurt, and betrayal that we have. This is only removed by forgiveness. This MUST be removed completely if we expect the new mortar to hold. Any old mortar will weaken the wall, causing certain failure. Once the old is gone, we have the chance to mix new mortar and put it into place. At this point we are using our mortar and ours alone.

Why not use mortar that we have mixed with theirs? Because we do not trust them. Trust is the mortar, remember? So at this point we are rebuilding with our materials and labor. We do this in order to extend our trust, bit by bit, to see if there is any chance of rebuilding the wall. As we extend this trust we carefully watch for signs of failure in the construction. If we see that all is well, and the wall is standing firm through their proving trustworthy, then we can begin adding back in their materials and labor. The beauty in all of this is that we now have an opportunity to build the wall stronger than it was before. We see that it has withstood the severest test and been damaged yet still remains.

Trust can be rebuilt, but it is not easy because it requires one to extend their trust and risk having it betrayed yet again. So that is why we rebuild slowly, initially using our materials and labor alone, until such time as we see the relationship is strengthened by trustworthy action on the part of the one with whom the trust was broken, so that they can begin rebuilding the wall of REALationship with us.

1 comment:

REV JLB said...

very good perspectives on here.